You're the one that I want.

I had a very strange experience this week. 

I was getting ready for the day one morning, popping on a bit of make-up in my bedroom. Hubs was listening to a report by a football journalist about the weekend's matches. I am not really interested. I stopped following football at senior school, having had a few years of supporting Leeds United in the golden days of Don Revie...not sure why as I am from Birmingham, but they had an amazing team and then, I could name every one of the team below!

Back Row: Paul Reaney, Norman Hunter, Allan Clarke, Mike O'Grady, David Harvey, Gary Sprake,
Paul Madeley, Eddie Gray, Rod Belfitt, Jack Charlton.
Front Row: Mick Jones, Terry Cooper, Terry Hibbitt, Billy Bremner, Johnny Giles, Mick Bates, Peter Lorimer.

 So...the reporter drones on and I continue to prissy myself with only half an ear on what's being said in the background. Then the reporter 

announces that 'Bournemouth is about to swap places with....' *click*

I snap my head around. 

Hubs is about to head downstairs. He has finished with the report and flicks off the radio! 

'Aaaargh!' I squeal! ' Bournemouth is swapping places with who?' 

Hubs stares at me with bewilderment for a moment before moving to put the radio back on.

'It's no use NOW!' I declare. 'He will have finished his sentence. I'll never know!'

Hubs defends himself 

'But it's about football. Bournemouth isn't actually swapping with another town!'

(I take comfort in knowing it is not just MY husband who says things that are totally obvious in a tone that suggests belief in the need to say them)

I sigh heavily.

'I know THAT! I don't expect Bournemouth is going to undo years of map co-ordinates and move up the coast! I know it's a football leaguey thing - I just wanted to know who they are swapping places with!'

He corrects me as if I need to know.

'Actually, it's the Premiership!'

I draw breath and try to hold it for ten. My stare and raised eyebrows are the sign he takes to back out of the door...quickly. 

(To be fair, I AM astounded that Bournemouth are in the Premiership!!)

Continuing my beautification, I reflect on the incident.

How strange it is that something that you either don't want, have no desire for or normally would not even touch with a barge pole, takes on a huge desirability factor when you are told you can't have it. Minutes, hours, days...how long do we spend in a lifetime thinking about or hankering after things that are not meant to be ours. They needlessly steal time, emotion and energy from us and we let them. The realisation brought me to a standstill, as if I was stood suddenly under a searchlight. 

I guess Holy Spirit was in helicopter mode, hovering over my head, training His light on me. 

So often, I get het up about things that don't matter and forget what does. For me this last couple of weeks, I have been thinking about how closely I walk with God and how to walk more closely with Him. 

John Paul Jackson said, 

'The height of your relationship with God depends on the depth of your desire.'

I was in an idiotic 'panic' over an utterly pointless piece of news that was snatched away from me. I had even momentarily considered going to the internet to find out its conclusion (no - I can't believe that either!!!)

I asked myself there in that moment, how much am I excited to spend time with God? How much do I yearn to seek out His presence, this God who longs with all His heart for time with me, to adventure together or to just enjoy one another's company, especially when we have such an amazing time, the two of us. There is nowhere worth being more than at His side, whether that is in the quiet of 'just us' moments or out in the bustle of the 'everyday'.

2 Chronicles 16:9 says, 

'For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward Him'

WOW! I love this. What a thought. He is looking out for me all the time...to give me strong support, as I stand blameless before Him. No 'Where's Wally' experiences for Him - His eyes will find me. Bang! Thinking about this, I was thankful that God, my heavenly Father, can even use a snippet of a footie report to call me back to Him. 

'Hey, Angie...I missed you. Come back and know My heart of love for you'

Even writing this, I can't wait to finish and spend time with Him, soaking in His closeness and hearing from Him, me knowing His love and Him receiving mine, thinking together about what our next adventures can be, especially in the light of some encounters this week. 

The depth of my desire may wane but recognising that, prompts me to do something about it and head for the heights. For now, I am going to enjoy the embrace of His company, listening to songs from the heart; lost in Wonder and planning to enjoy Him Forever 

I hope you will take the opportunity to be blessed by these songs too

Some people say I act like me Dad

Ahhhh - the still of a quiet, gone- midnight house again.

I think I will start of with this little burst of joy which adds a big smile to my face...

Why? No particular reason apart from the fact that whether we feel it or not, whether we are aware of it or not, whether it actually looks like it or not, God is good - always - all the time. I need to remind myself regularly!

Meanwhile, this week has been filled with things and today, I am sharing what I thought was a great revelation to me personally and I hope will throw you a few challenges too.

My year began with the decision that I need to spend more time in my Bible one way or another - reading, studying or whatever else came to mind to help me rediscover the wonder of His Word.

One thing that came up from a friend was simply to write out scriptures and there was a list of verses to pen. I dithered for a day or few thinking to myself, 'What difference could it possibly make just copying out verses from my bible when I can simply read them?'

My other obstacle is that I am a person who struggles sometimes to do things if I don't think I can make an ace job of it. It's something that comes from some childhood incidents but it is somewhat of a millstone! I wish that I could have had Thomas Edison's take on experimenting ...

But no - not me. I have always liked to get things right first time...or very soon after. So, knowing some wonderful calligraphers, I hesitated. But finally, I thought I would give it a go. I was sceptical! However, having tidied out my bedroom and uncovered a new notebook... (or two or three - but who is counting? Actually I am not going to LET anyone count so don't ask!)...I grabbed a wallet of pens Hubs had bought for me as an anniversary pressie and duly began. 

One daft thing from my perspective was that the plan doesn't even suggest you do anything other than pray, 'Open my eyes that I might see wonderful things out of Thy Law' (Psalm 119:18) and plainly write out the verse on a piece of paper! But I thought I would like to put a bit of artistry into it at least, picking up a shiny gel pen to get started. 

First, starting on the right-hand page of a double spread, I enjoyed deciding how to write each word and watching the pen move on the paper, with a change of colour plus added glitter-effect to write words inside a heart shape. I changed the style and font of words; added an illustrative flourish here and there, and was purposeful as I wrote, letting the actions of writing  speak to me as much as reading what I was writing. And so I continued until I reached the end. Then, I took a few minutes with an ordinary biro to jot down some thoughts on the left side page - things I thought God had highlighted or said to me as I wrote.

[For those of you who may not be familiar with how God would have 'said' things to me, I would have an out of the blue, or relevant, unexpected thought about something drop into my mind as I wrote - I took that as being from God, having prayed the verse above from Psalm 119]

This went on for 10 days and here are a few of the pages - 

By day 11 of enjoying my daily time, I decided that, to help myself not get into the 'rule' of having to write everything out illustratively, I would just write out the day's words in plain handwriting,which I proceeded to try to do. BUT I found I myself making the first letter a tiny bit of an event...here's the page...

I DID almost manage JUST to write plainly - and with the added concession of using a glittery pen and keeping things neat.

Then...I had a revelation! I had recently read a quote in a current book - on creativity, strangely enough -  'Every moment in your life is infinitely creative' . I was struck by the fact that my heavenly Father is the Creator of all things and I am made in His image and so this compulsion that I felt to make something of something as simple as writing is just a trait resulting from my spiritual heritage! I am 'acting like my Dad!' 

The passage I had written out says, 'Make known...tell of...remember' all the things God has done. Yes - I can do that by the words of my mouth but also through creative expression - and that is all for the purpose of 'giving thanks' to Him. He makes. I make. He speaks. I speak. He chooses colours. I choose colours - and on and on. Even something as basic as choosing the shape of a cup to drink my tea out of is a form of my creative expression. How wonderful! Even though I don't sing nor dance as a performer, doesn't mean I shouldn't do these things if I am not as good as someone that is paid for them. I CAN do them with the voice and feet that I have because it's an expression of myself, of who my heavenly Dad is in me and who He created me to be and maybe especially, therefore, because it puts a blooming great big smile on the face of God!

No wonder those who seek the Lord are told to rejoice because one thing about both the seeking and the finding is that it's truly a lifelong voyage of discovery and if I seek Him and His presence continually, life need never be boring, that's for sure! I'll keep reaching out. I hope you will too.

Always more

Why is it that I have got to 57 years old, 33 of them as a committed Christian, and I am still learning things about myself and about God? And actually - some of those things that pop up are not making their first time appearance! I wish all my lessons stayed learned!

One recurrent thing over the years is that something happens - it may be a funny thing with the Sweeties when they were little, something hilarious that Hubs has said, some amazing God-adventure or story - and I always think to myself, 'Oh my GOSH! I will never forget that!' BUT then...I do!

An old Chinese proverb proclaims, 

'The faintest pencil is better than the strongest memory.'

How true that is. Over the years I have WISHED I had written something down, though actually, I am at the age now where I can simply go into a room and forget why I went there and have to go back to the spot where I thought the original thought and see if it finds me again. Often it does. Perhaps a dictaphone might help and I can tell myself things on the way. 

Nah! I would only forget where I put it! My forgettery is getting good.

BUT I had a fabulous episode this week.

Some good number of months ago, we moved our bedroom from one room to another - in the same house, of course. Somehow, during that move, I lost my wedding and engagement rings. I'd put them in a safe place because they had shrunk one day when I was washing up (that's my story and I am sticking to it!) I tucked them away in a Place where I knew I would find them but when I went to get them for transfer, they had gone!!!! At the time, I thought little of it because I thought I must have relocated them already during the move but they didn't turn up. I checked the Place several times, systematically going through everything else that was there, thinning the contents of the Place down - but no! The months have passed. No rings. I heard stories of people's missing possessions turning up miraculously when they prayed. I prayed. No rings. I asked my girls if they had borrowed them. No. Finally this last week, I have gone all through our bedroom, tidying up, throwing stuff out, dusting. No space has been left unturned, unexplored, undusted. The great thing is, I now have a totally clean bedroom that is a pleasure to be in. Hubs is especially pleased because, as the Bed-maker extraordinaire, he can now walk on my side of the bed without tripping over books, pens, pillows and a host of debris. BUT NO RINGS!

I went back to the Place just in case God had done a miracle. Nope!

Now, I was starting to worry. What if somehow, they had been thrown out! I had better start praying seriously and also confessed to Hubs, who was his usual, encouraging self. 'They'll turn up,' he said. But he didn't know how hard I had looked nor that ages ago, I had already gone through the 'old' room and knew they were not there. 

This week, I headed off to our Bible Study group. After a prayer, we start our time off with sharing 'Good News' stories since we last met. After the first one, which was great, I plunged in an said that I wanted to share a good news story in faith, explaining about my rings and said that I wanted to thank God because I felt I was going to find them this week. This led, not only to one of the guys sharing that he had found some papers he'd previously told us he had lost, but another little run of lost/found stories! 

Well!!! Because I believe in the truth of this......

I said to God, this 'Found' testimony is mine too please! I almost felt excited to start cleaning and looking again when one of the girls said she felt they would be in a bag somehow! As I thought, the only bag I could think of that I hadn't searched was an old one tucked away in the old bedroom with Hub's old love letters in .... yes - we had those days! 

Once home, although it was late, I couldn't wait to check so I headed upstairs and started to move the BIG pile of gear blocking the way. But the thought of all this shifting made me think, 'You know what, Lord? I am going to look again in the Place just one more time. PLEASE let them be there.'

I turned to the Place and opened it up. There was SO little in there now, I could see there would be no rings but I shuffled anyway. No rings. PAH! 

'Ah well,' I thought. 'I can at least pull out a new bottle of cleansing lotion while I am here.'

I picked up the boxed bottle. 'OH! That's light!' and in a sudden flash of hope and expectation, I ripped open the box. No cleansing bottle. Only THE RINGS!!! And not only the rings, but also a pair of gold earrings I hadn't even missed!! I ran around that room and down the stairs to Hubs, whooping and squealing like I'd won the lottery! It's a wonder the neighbours didn't call the police! I could hardly believe it. And yet, of course I should. WHY do I get astounded when God is good? And not only good - but I got bonus earrings! Yesssss - I know they are not exactly bonus because they were mine already but I would have never missed them so they are like a whole new 9 carat present.

I reflected how God DOES do more than we can ever imagine (Ephesians 3:20) and this was just a simple example of how He wants us to know, there is ALWAYS MORE.

Here is a picture of two beautiful rings...

and if you ever find them...they are MINE!

The times they are a-changing

Oh my goodness!

I have just spent the best part of an hour clearing junk somehow stored on my phone and finally, after I-don't-know-how-many-weeks, the little icon on my phone, which announced to me every single time I looked at the pesky device, 'storage space running low' has GONE!!

The trouble is, that in clearing this junk, I had to go through some necessary but time-consuming effort. I am not techno-savvy at the best of times but figured out the necessary action mainly because I had ignored the apparent need to do something the previous time! 

Briefly, my phone had accumulated a PILE of pictures that arrived, I think, from playing a game on my phone. I had no clue where these pictures were stored on my phone nor how to delete them apart from downloading EVERYTHING onto my pc with the option of deleting the 'everything selected' from my phone after! BUT because I wanted to leave maybe a dozen things on my phone, I had to go through over 600 items and deselect just the few I wanted to keep. UGH!

But, God is good to me and while I was huffing and puffing about this, His still small voice, nudged my spirit, all kinda gentle-like...as He does. 

'You know, if you had only done this job when it first needed doing, it wouldn't have taken you all this time.'  

'HMPH!' replies I. 'I KNOW that NOW! but I didn't know how to do it before, did I? How was I supposed to know?'

I stopped suddenly, realising that at least Hubs would have been able to point me in the right direction. I am one of those usually-male types (sorry, but it IS usually male) that can't be bothered to read the instructions on anything new. I'd rather just put it to work and puzzle, 'Can I REALLY not get a square peg into a round hole?' But here I was now, with the light dawning that my first step in a problem, is to see if there is anyone I can ask to help. In any case, to save myself a bundle of frustration and time, I can make potentially big tasks shorter and less daunting by dealing with it in smaller steps more frequently. For me this calls for change! Change is a pesky, hard thing. It is NOT comfortable. Often,it is not easy. But God is always in the business of change. As Eric Johnson of Bethel Church once said, 'We are always in transition because God is always changing us - we are being transformed from one degree of glory to another.' 

And I love this quote...

I love how the picture shows the beautiful diamond which will have been formed under pressure over a LONG time from a plain, ugly piece of carbon. But what I want, is to be the diamond without the necessary, uncomfortable conditions. I have just had my 57th birthday this week. After all those years, I have been changing. I have said this before, I like me.  If I wasn't me, I would like me as a friend. It doesn't stop me wanting to be better but 'the only person I need to be better than is the me I was yesterday.' In the meantime, the great news is that God loves me just the way I am - all the time. No exceptions. Nothing I do or say makes me more or less likeable to Him nor more or less loveable. I am always His favourite. So I can keep looking out for the changes and learn to see those inconvenient, time-consuming lessons in a different light. I can KNOW God doesn't mind me taking the time to learn them. My time is one of His gifts to me so I can commit that time to Him and ask Him to help me make the best of it. Most areas of life - personal, church, day-to-day running, are facing significant change just now and I am going to be keeping my Father busy asking for help from whatever source He thinks is best. Thank goodness He is in it with me. One thing is for sure,  I also intend to take as much enjoyment as I can out of the journey. 

Not a forever thing

Yet again, I am still up in the night!
Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you are awake in someone else's dream!
WHO IS IT!? STOP IT!

It probably makes some difference that I am not in my own bed - I am visiting one of my Sweeties with the aim of wielding a blowtorch, scraper and maybe a paintbrush tomorrow - if I am in any fit state!!

Actually, I do enjoy being awake at night when all the house and world outside is quiet and I only have my own company. I enjoy the gentle echo of my moving around when I go to the kitchen for a drink of milk; when I turn a page in the book I am reading or when my knitting needles click purposefully in the otherwise stark silence. I enjoy the space to think...usually.

But it's been a funny few months and in those months, various things have happened to friends, family or myself to make me sad or sometimes anxious. I don't like it. It's unfamiliar to me to feel so hounded by thoughts and feelings that I can't shake off. I have found myself being extra tearful or moved unexpectedly by the simplest of things, although I have always cried easily for no reason, listening to stirring music or watching certain adverts on TV!

In the past, I have shaken off such feelings quite easily and re-found my joy very genuinely. In fact, I was very encouraged recently finding this quote from Henri Nouwen...

and it is a biblical thing to CHOOSE to be joyful. 

But tonight, I lay thinking of all the things that were bothering me and in the end, decided to jot them down. I always tell the family when they are worried or feeling overwhelmed by stuff, life or whatever, 'Write it down. It will seem less intimidating when you see it in black and white and you will realise it's not as bad as you think.'

SO I took my own advice.

Looking at the list gave me mixed feelings. Some things didn't matter - not for now anyway...like the wildness of the overgrown garden. Some things are out of my control and nothing I can do will change them...like acts of terrorism. Some things are within my capacity to change but it will take time...like a relationship or the state of one of the rooms! Others leave me with the sole option to pray as I have no ability or authority to intervene.

It was this realisation that took me to look up my Bible reading plan

One of today's readings was from Psalm 3:3-6, written by King David

In the notes, Nicky Gumbel points out that David did not have an easy life but in spite of his distressing situation, God lifted up David's head and that 'God does not want you to be downcast - constantly looking at regrets behind you, the problems around you and the sin within you. Rather He wants you to lift up your head and see the help above you - to walk with your head held high and your eyes fixed on Him.'

I had only read, this morning another encouraging word, which now loomed brightly in my mind

Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail; they are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion therefore I will wait for Him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him. It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord
Lamentations 3:22-26

I can put all earthly concerns in perspective by keeping my eyes on God and seeing Him as the Almighty, loving Daddy that He is.  Instead of telling God how big my woes are, tell my woes how big my God is! 

I will still struggle with life from time to time, but it's not a forever thing.

Waiting on God, letting Him be my shield and source of peace, reassures me of the depth of His love for me. As I walk in relationship with Him, I can know His pleasure in me. Knowing that pleasure, appreciating that love and believing in the truth of His Word doesn't make all the problems and anxieties go away but I know I am not alone. 

And I am doing 'Not Alone' with the One who has it all in His hands and for whom nothing is impossible.

Welcome 2016

WOW!

How fast a year goes these days! Even the last almost 3 months since I last wrote!

SO first to say sorry for the long break. I guess life after my Mum died was rather more random and hectic than I expected and I let myself get over tired. I still am but hopefully feeling better motivated to handle it and be wiser with what I do. One thing for sure - I want to keep up regularly with my blog and aim to get a post out each Sunday night BUT I am not going to beat myself up if that doesn't happen. 

I was going to post this with a reflection on my first post of last year but as I re-read those January posts, I suddenly thought, this is a new year. Let me start new...so I am off to have a think and pray and ask God if He has anything specific to say to me for this coming year.

For now, one thing I want to do is to be getting to bed before midnight. I have 15 minutes left. There is an exciting year ahead and I don't want to miss any of it. Maybe I will get something in my dreams tonight - watch this space!

For now, a great Psalm of David

Psalm 16 in The Message

Keep me safe, O God, 

I've run for dear life to You.

I say to God, 'Be my Lord!'

Without You nothing makes sense.

And these God-chosen lives all around - 

what splendid friends they make!

Don't just go shopping for a god.

Gods are not for sale.

I swear I'll never treat god-names like brand names.

My choice is You, God, first and only.

And now I find I'm Your choice!

You set me up with a house and yard.

And then You made me Your heir!

The wise counsel God gives when I'm awake

is confirmed by my sleeping heart. 

Day and night, I'll stick with God;

I've got a good thing going and I'm not letting go.

I'm happy from the inside out

and from the outside in, I'm firmly formed.

You cancelled my ticket to hell - 

that's not my destination!

Now, You've got my feet in the life path, 

all radiant from the shining of Your face.

Ever since You took my hand, 

I'm on the right way.

And finally, a song which is a great prayer for the year ahead from the worshippers of Kings Cross Church in London, Kingdom Come - listen here