'Some people say I look like me Dad...'

My Sweeties will recognise the blog title from one of their fave childhood pop songs though it was only a few weeks ago that we were together and the subject of the lyrics came up! WHAT was I thinking letting them listen to it? Some of those lyrics were VERY racy! How was I oblivious to them? I guess their cute rendition of the dance together totally distracted me. If only I could find the video film...one day.

Meanwhile this has been a week of trying to be more deliberate in spending time with my Heavenly Dad and several things have struck me afresh, prompting me to explore my thinking and praying processses. 

Due to various situations in the lives of friends and for us personally in family and church life, I have been more focused on praying and a quote from Justin Welby, the Archbishop of Canterbury, has challenged me.

Praying is simply sitting before God and allowing Him, through Jesus, to shape who we are

So, I figured maybe God was trying to get my attention through this quote and I decided I should have a think about what it means to me.  

I have always tried to be a good pray-er. I remember people saying to me years ago about one of my Christian leaders at the time that if you ever got on HER prayer list, you KNEW that you would be prayed for. I wanted then to have that same trait. I can't honestly say I stand today as her equal in prayer warriorship, but I made the decision that as soon as I would ever say to someone that I would pray for them, I would do it - there and then, or as soon as conversation stopped so that at least they would get prayer from me, even if it was only once. More often than I would care to admit, a one-liner to place them before the Throne of God was what I would manage. Other times of prayer have been more deliberate and fervent. But even a one line prayer releases the power of the Holy Spirit into the purpose of heaven.  

In recent years, I have been with various people, sometimes with Hubs, who have really challenged me in my relationship with God and that has changed my expectation of prayer. In our days of co-leading a university student ministry, under the leadership of Annie and Nigel DiCastiglione, they challenged us all to really take God at His word and to see ourselves as He sees us. This began a big change in our lives, not only to greater adventures in faith for all of us, but letting God shape our prayers and actions as this faith grew in who God is and who Jesus is in us. The journey continues constantly, added to by friendships with other Christians; teachings of other Christian leaders in, for example, Eastgate Church in Gravesend and Bethel Church in Redding and spending time with God as an individual via prayer, bible study, art work, reading, walking - all sorts of things.

How have I let Jesus shape who I am in my prayers? First, it's an unfinished and ongoing job! I was reflecting with a friend recently that I have come to want my prayers to be filled with faith and believing. I used to pray for things with the proviso, '...if it be Your will...'  Now, I want to base them more on the faith that I believe God, my Almighty Father, wants me to have. As Romans 4:17 puts it, God, 'who gives life to the dead and calls into existence the things that do not exist.'
The challenge is to ask myself -
'How would the world change if all my prayers were answered?'
This may not only increase my faith to ask big things from my BIG God but also help me to temper those prayers for my 'enemies'. (I won't confess to those here but let's settle at 'they need praying with a different heart.'

I know the path may be a bit bumpy and seem unlit at times but faith in prayer is an ongoing journey between God and me.
I dare to say, we're excited about it

You're the one that I want.

I had a very strange experience this week. 

I was getting ready for the day one morning, popping on a bit of make-up in my bedroom. Hubs was listening to a report by a football journalist about the weekend's matches. I am not really interested. I stopped following football at senior school, having had a few years of supporting Leeds United in the golden days of Don Revie...not sure why as I am from Birmingham, but they had an amazing team and then, I could name every one of the team below!

Back Row: Paul Reaney, Norman Hunter, Allan Clarke, Mike O'Grady, David Harvey, Gary Sprake,
Paul Madeley, Eddie Gray, Rod Belfitt, Jack Charlton.
Front Row: Mick Jones, Terry Cooper, Terry Hibbitt, Billy Bremner, Johnny Giles, Mick Bates, Peter Lorimer.

 So...the reporter drones on and I continue to prissy myself with only half an ear on what's being said in the background. Then the reporter 

announces that 'Bournemouth is about to swap places with....' *click*

I snap my head around. 

Hubs is about to head downstairs. He has finished with the report and flicks off the radio! 

'Aaaargh!' I squeal! ' Bournemouth is swapping places with who?' 

Hubs stares at me with bewilderment for a moment before moving to put the radio back on.

'It's no use NOW!' I declare. 'He will have finished his sentence. I'll never know!'

Hubs defends himself 

'But it's about football. Bournemouth isn't actually swapping with another town!'

(I take comfort in knowing it is not just MY husband who says things that are totally obvious in a tone that suggests belief in the need to say them)

I sigh heavily.

'I know THAT! I don't expect Bournemouth is going to undo years of map co-ordinates and move up the coast! I know it's a football leaguey thing - I just wanted to know who they are swapping places with!'

He corrects me as if I need to know.

'Actually, it's the Premiership!'

I draw breath and try to hold it for ten. My stare and raised eyebrows are the sign he takes to back out of the door...quickly. 

(To be fair, I AM astounded that Bournemouth are in the Premiership!!)

Continuing my beautification, I reflect on the incident.

How strange it is that something that you either don't want, have no desire for or normally would not even touch with a barge pole, takes on a huge desirability factor when you are told you can't have it. Minutes, hours, days...how long do we spend in a lifetime thinking about or hankering after things that are not meant to be ours. They needlessly steal time, emotion and energy from us and we let them. The realisation brought me to a standstill, as if I was stood suddenly under a searchlight. 

I guess Holy Spirit was in helicopter mode, hovering over my head, training His light on me. 

So often, I get het up about things that don't matter and forget what does. For me this last couple of weeks, I have been thinking about how closely I walk with God and how to walk more closely with Him. 

John Paul Jackson said, 

'The height of your relationship with God depends on the depth of your desire.'

I was in an idiotic 'panic' over an utterly pointless piece of news that was snatched away from me. I had even momentarily considered going to the internet to find out its conclusion (no - I can't believe that either!!!)

I asked myself there in that moment, how much am I excited to spend time with God? How much do I yearn to seek out His presence, this God who longs with all His heart for time with me, to adventure together or to just enjoy one another's company, especially when we have such an amazing time, the two of us. There is nowhere worth being more than at His side, whether that is in the quiet of 'just us' moments or out in the bustle of the 'everyday'.

2 Chronicles 16:9 says, 

'For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward Him'

WOW! I love this. What a thought. He is looking out for me all the time...to give me strong support, as I stand blameless before Him. No 'Where's Wally' experiences for Him - His eyes will find me. Bang! Thinking about this, I was thankful that God, my heavenly Father, can even use a snippet of a footie report to call me back to Him. 

'Hey, Angie...I missed you. Come back and know My heart of love for you'

Even writing this, I can't wait to finish and spend time with Him, soaking in His closeness and hearing from Him, me knowing His love and Him receiving mine, thinking together about what our next adventures can be, especially in the light of some encounters this week. 

The depth of my desire may wane but recognising that, prompts me to do something about it and head for the heights. For now, I am going to enjoy the embrace of His company, listening to songs from the heart; lost in Wonder and planning to enjoy Him Forever 

I hope you will take the opportunity to be blessed by these songs too

Some people say I act like me Dad

Ahhhh - the still of a quiet, gone- midnight house again.

I think I will start of with this little burst of joy which adds a big smile to my face...

Why? No particular reason apart from the fact that whether we feel it or not, whether we are aware of it or not, whether it actually looks like it or not, God is good - always - all the time. I need to remind myself regularly!

Meanwhile, this week has been filled with things and today, I am sharing what I thought was a great revelation to me personally and I hope will throw you a few challenges too.

My year began with the decision that I need to spend more time in my Bible one way or another - reading, studying or whatever else came to mind to help me rediscover the wonder of His Word.

One thing that came up from a friend was simply to write out scriptures and there was a list of verses to pen. I dithered for a day or few thinking to myself, 'What difference could it possibly make just copying out verses from my bible when I can simply read them?'

My other obstacle is that I am a person who struggles sometimes to do things if I don't think I can make an ace job of it. It's something that comes from some childhood incidents but it is somewhat of a millstone! I wish that I could have had Thomas Edison's take on experimenting ...

But no - not me. I have always liked to get things right first time...or very soon after. So, knowing some wonderful calligraphers, I hesitated. But finally, I thought I would give it a go. I was sceptical! However, having tidied out my bedroom and uncovered a new notebook... (or two or three - but who is counting? Actually I am not going to LET anyone count so don't ask!)...I grabbed a wallet of pens Hubs had bought for me as an anniversary pressie and duly began. 

One daft thing from my perspective was that the plan doesn't even suggest you do anything other than pray, 'Open my eyes that I might see wonderful things out of Thy Law' (Psalm 119:18) and plainly write out the verse on a piece of paper! But I thought I would like to put a bit of artistry into it at least, picking up a shiny gel pen to get started. 

First, starting on the right-hand page of a double spread, I enjoyed deciding how to write each word and watching the pen move on the paper, with a change of colour plus added glitter-effect to write words inside a heart shape. I changed the style and font of words; added an illustrative flourish here and there, and was purposeful as I wrote, letting the actions of writing  speak to me as much as reading what I was writing. And so I continued until I reached the end. Then, I took a few minutes with an ordinary biro to jot down some thoughts on the left side page - things I thought God had highlighted or said to me as I wrote.

[For those of you who may not be familiar with how God would have 'said' things to me, I would have an out of the blue, or relevant, unexpected thought about something drop into my mind as I wrote - I took that as being from God, having prayed the verse above from Psalm 119]

This went on for 10 days and here are a few of the pages - 

By day 11 of enjoying my daily time, I decided that, to help myself not get into the 'rule' of having to write everything out illustratively, I would just write out the day's words in plain handwriting,which I proceeded to try to do. BUT I found I myself making the first letter a tiny bit of an event...here's the page...

I DID almost manage JUST to write plainly - and with the added concession of using a glittery pen and keeping things neat.

Then...I had a revelation! I had recently read a quote in a current book - on creativity, strangely enough -  'Every moment in your life is infinitely creative' . I was struck by the fact that my heavenly Father is the Creator of all things and I am made in His image and so this compulsion that I felt to make something of something as simple as writing is just a trait resulting from my spiritual heritage! I am 'acting like my Dad!' 

The passage I had written out says, 'Make known...tell of...remember' all the things God has done. Yes - I can do that by the words of my mouth but also through creative expression - and that is all for the purpose of 'giving thanks' to Him. He makes. I make. He speaks. I speak. He chooses colours. I choose colours - and on and on. Even something as basic as choosing the shape of a cup to drink my tea out of is a form of my creative expression. How wonderful! Even though I don't sing nor dance as a performer, doesn't mean I shouldn't do these things if I am not as good as someone that is paid for them. I CAN do them with the voice and feet that I have because it's an expression of myself, of who my heavenly Dad is in me and who He created me to be and maybe especially, therefore, because it puts a blooming great big smile on the face of God!

No wonder those who seek the Lord are told to rejoice because one thing about both the seeking and the finding is that it's truly a lifelong voyage of discovery and if I seek Him and His presence continually, life need never be boring, that's for sure! I'll keep reaching out. I hope you will too.

Always more

Why is it that I have got to 57 years old, 33 of them as a committed Christian, and I am still learning things about myself and about God? And actually - some of those things that pop up are not making their first time appearance! I wish all my lessons stayed learned!

One recurrent thing over the years is that something happens - it may be a funny thing with the Sweeties when they were little, something hilarious that Hubs has said, some amazing God-adventure or story - and I always think to myself, 'Oh my GOSH! I will never forget that!' BUT then...I do!

An old Chinese proverb proclaims, 

'The faintest pencil is better than the strongest memory.'

How true that is. Over the years I have WISHED I had written something down, though actually, I am at the age now where I can simply go into a room and forget why I went there and have to go back to the spot where I thought the original thought and see if it finds me again. Often it does. Perhaps a dictaphone might help and I can tell myself things on the way. 

Nah! I would only forget where I put it! My forgettery is getting good.

BUT I had a fabulous episode this week.

Some good number of months ago, we moved our bedroom from one room to another - in the same house, of course. Somehow, during that move, I lost my wedding and engagement rings. I'd put them in a safe place because they had shrunk one day when I was washing up (that's my story and I am sticking to it!) I tucked them away in a Place where I knew I would find them but when I went to get them for transfer, they had gone!!!! At the time, I thought little of it because I thought I must have relocated them already during the move but they didn't turn up. I checked the Place several times, systematically going through everything else that was there, thinning the contents of the Place down - but no! The months have passed. No rings. I heard stories of people's missing possessions turning up miraculously when they prayed. I prayed. No rings. I asked my girls if they had borrowed them. No. Finally this last week, I have gone all through our bedroom, tidying up, throwing stuff out, dusting. No space has been left unturned, unexplored, undusted. The great thing is, I now have a totally clean bedroom that is a pleasure to be in. Hubs is especially pleased because, as the Bed-maker extraordinaire, he can now walk on my side of the bed without tripping over books, pens, pillows and a host of debris. BUT NO RINGS!

I went back to the Place just in case God had done a miracle. Nope!

Now, I was starting to worry. What if somehow, they had been thrown out! I had better start praying seriously and also confessed to Hubs, who was his usual, encouraging self. 'They'll turn up,' he said. But he didn't know how hard I had looked nor that ages ago, I had already gone through the 'old' room and knew they were not there. 

This week, I headed off to our Bible Study group. After a prayer, we start our time off with sharing 'Good News' stories since we last met. After the first one, which was great, I plunged in an said that I wanted to share a good news story in faith, explaining about my rings and said that I wanted to thank God because I felt I was going to find them this week. This led, not only to one of the guys sharing that he had found some papers he'd previously told us he had lost, but another little run of lost/found stories! 

Well!!! Because I believe in the truth of this......

I said to God, this 'Found' testimony is mine too please! I almost felt excited to start cleaning and looking again when one of the girls said she felt they would be in a bag somehow! As I thought, the only bag I could think of that I hadn't searched was an old one tucked away in the old bedroom with Hub's old love letters in .... yes - we had those days! 

Once home, although it was late, I couldn't wait to check so I headed upstairs and started to move the BIG pile of gear blocking the way. But the thought of all this shifting made me think, 'You know what, Lord? I am going to look again in the Place just one more time. PLEASE let them be there.'

I turned to the Place and opened it up. There was SO little in there now, I could see there would be no rings but I shuffled anyway. No rings. PAH! 

'Ah well,' I thought. 'I can at least pull out a new bottle of cleansing lotion while I am here.'

I picked up the boxed bottle. 'OH! That's light!' and in a sudden flash of hope and expectation, I ripped open the box. No cleansing bottle. Only THE RINGS!!! And not only the rings, but also a pair of gold earrings I hadn't even missed!! I ran around that room and down the stairs to Hubs, whooping and squealing like I'd won the lottery! It's a wonder the neighbours didn't call the police! I could hardly believe it. And yet, of course I should. WHY do I get astounded when God is good? And not only good - but I got bonus earrings! Yesssss - I know they are not exactly bonus because they were mine already but I would have never missed them so they are like a whole new 9 carat present.

I reflected how God DOES do more than we can ever imagine (Ephesians 3:20) and this was just a simple example of how He wants us to know, there is ALWAYS MORE.

Here is a picture of two beautiful rings...

and if you ever find them...they are MINE!

The times they are a-changing

Oh my goodness!

I have just spent the best part of an hour clearing junk somehow stored on my phone and finally, after I-don't-know-how-many-weeks, the little icon on my phone, which announced to me every single time I looked at the pesky device, 'storage space running low' has GONE!!

The trouble is, that in clearing this junk, I had to go through some necessary but time-consuming effort. I am not techno-savvy at the best of times but figured out the necessary action mainly because I had ignored the apparent need to do something the previous time! 

Briefly, my phone had accumulated a PILE of pictures that arrived, I think, from playing a game on my phone. I had no clue where these pictures were stored on my phone nor how to delete them apart from downloading EVERYTHING onto my pc with the option of deleting the 'everything selected' from my phone after! BUT because I wanted to leave maybe a dozen things on my phone, I had to go through over 600 items and deselect just the few I wanted to keep. UGH!

But, God is good to me and while I was huffing and puffing about this, His still small voice, nudged my spirit, all kinda gentle-like...as He does. 

'You know, if you had only done this job when it first needed doing, it wouldn't have taken you all this time.'  

'HMPH!' replies I. 'I KNOW that NOW! but I didn't know how to do it before, did I? How was I supposed to know?'

I stopped suddenly, realising that at least Hubs would have been able to point me in the right direction. I am one of those usually-male types (sorry, but it IS usually male) that can't be bothered to read the instructions on anything new. I'd rather just put it to work and puzzle, 'Can I REALLY not get a square peg into a round hole?' But here I was now, with the light dawning that my first step in a problem, is to see if there is anyone I can ask to help. In any case, to save myself a bundle of frustration and time, I can make potentially big tasks shorter and less daunting by dealing with it in smaller steps more frequently. For me this calls for change! Change is a pesky, hard thing. It is NOT comfortable. Often,it is not easy. But God is always in the business of change. As Eric Johnson of Bethel Church once said, 'We are always in transition because God is always changing us - we are being transformed from one degree of glory to another.' 

And I love this quote...

I love how the picture shows the beautiful diamond which will have been formed under pressure over a LONG time from a plain, ugly piece of carbon. But what I want, is to be the diamond without the necessary, uncomfortable conditions. I have just had my 57th birthday this week. After all those years, I have been changing. I have said this before, I like me.  If I wasn't me, I would like me as a friend. It doesn't stop me wanting to be better but 'the only person I need to be better than is the me I was yesterday.' In the meantime, the great news is that God loves me just the way I am - all the time. No exceptions. Nothing I do or say makes me more or less likeable to Him nor more or less loveable. I am always His favourite. So I can keep looking out for the changes and learn to see those inconvenient, time-consuming lessons in a different light. I can KNOW God doesn't mind me taking the time to learn them. My time is one of His gifts to me so I can commit that time to Him and ask Him to help me make the best of it. Most areas of life - personal, church, day-to-day running, are facing significant change just now and I am going to be keeping my Father busy asking for help from whatever source He thinks is best. Thank goodness He is in it with me. One thing is for sure,  I also intend to take as much enjoyment as I can out of the journey. 

Not a forever thing

Yet again, I am still up in the night!
Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you are awake in someone else's dream!
WHO IS IT!? STOP IT!

It probably makes some difference that I am not in my own bed - I am visiting one of my Sweeties with the aim of wielding a blowtorch, scraper and maybe a paintbrush tomorrow - if I am in any fit state!!

Actually, I do enjoy being awake at night when all the house and world outside is quiet and I only have my own company. I enjoy the gentle echo of my moving around when I go to the kitchen for a drink of milk; when I turn a page in the book I am reading or when my knitting needles click purposefully in the otherwise stark silence. I enjoy the space to think...usually.

But it's been a funny few months and in those months, various things have happened to friends, family or myself to make me sad or sometimes anxious. I don't like it. It's unfamiliar to me to feel so hounded by thoughts and feelings that I can't shake off. I have found myself being extra tearful or moved unexpectedly by the simplest of things, although I have always cried easily for no reason, listening to stirring music or watching certain adverts on TV!

In the past, I have shaken off such feelings quite easily and re-found my joy very genuinely. In fact, I was very encouraged recently finding this quote from Henri Nouwen...

and it is a biblical thing to CHOOSE to be joyful. 

But tonight, I lay thinking of all the things that were bothering me and in the end, decided to jot them down. I always tell the family when they are worried or feeling overwhelmed by stuff, life or whatever, 'Write it down. It will seem less intimidating when you see it in black and white and you will realise it's not as bad as you think.'

SO I took my own advice.

Looking at the list gave me mixed feelings. Some things didn't matter - not for now anyway...like the wildness of the overgrown garden. Some things are out of my control and nothing I can do will change them...like acts of terrorism. Some things are within my capacity to change but it will take time...like a relationship or the state of one of the rooms! Others leave me with the sole option to pray as I have no ability or authority to intervene.

It was this realisation that took me to look up my Bible reading plan

One of today's readings was from Psalm 3:3-6, written by King David

In the notes, Nicky Gumbel points out that David did not have an easy life but in spite of his distressing situation, God lifted up David's head and that 'God does not want you to be downcast - constantly looking at regrets behind you, the problems around you and the sin within you. Rather He wants you to lift up your head and see the help above you - to walk with your head held high and your eyes fixed on Him.'

I had only read, this morning another encouraging word, which now loomed brightly in my mind

Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail; they are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion therefore I will wait for Him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him. It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord
Lamentations 3:22-26

I can put all earthly concerns in perspective by keeping my eyes on God and seeing Him as the Almighty, loving Daddy that He is.  Instead of telling God how big my woes are, tell my woes how big my God is! 

I will still struggle with life from time to time, but it's not a forever thing.

Waiting on God, letting Him be my shield and source of peace, reassures me of the depth of His love for me. As I walk in relationship with Him, I can know His pleasure in me. Knowing that pleasure, appreciating that love and believing in the truth of His Word doesn't make all the problems and anxieties go away but I know I am not alone. 

And I am doing 'Not Alone' with the One who has it all in His hands and for whom nothing is impossible.

Welcome 2016

WOW!

How fast a year goes these days! Even the last almost 3 months since I last wrote!

SO first to say sorry for the long break. I guess life after my Mum died was rather more random and hectic than I expected and I let myself get over tired. I still am but hopefully feeling better motivated to handle it and be wiser with what I do. One thing for sure - I want to keep up regularly with my blog and aim to get a post out each Sunday night BUT I am not going to beat myself up if that doesn't happen. 

I was going to post this with a reflection on my first post of last year but as I re-read those January posts, I suddenly thought, this is a new year. Let me start new...so I am off to have a think and pray and ask God if He has anything specific to say to me for this coming year.

For now, one thing I want to do is to be getting to bed before midnight. I have 15 minutes left. There is an exciting year ahead and I don't want to miss any of it. Maybe I will get something in my dreams tonight - watch this space!

For now, a great Psalm of David

Psalm 16 in The Message

Keep me safe, O God, 

I've run for dear life to You.

I say to God, 'Be my Lord!'

Without You nothing makes sense.

And these God-chosen lives all around - 

what splendid friends they make!

Don't just go shopping for a god.

Gods are not for sale.

I swear I'll never treat god-names like brand names.

My choice is You, God, first and only.

And now I find I'm Your choice!

You set me up with a house and yard.

And then You made me Your heir!

The wise counsel God gives when I'm awake

is confirmed by my sleeping heart. 

Day and night, I'll stick with God;

I've got a good thing going and I'm not letting go.

I'm happy from the inside out

and from the outside in, I'm firmly formed.

You cancelled my ticket to hell - 

that's not my destination!

Now, You've got my feet in the life path, 

all radiant from the shining of Your face.

Ever since You took my hand, 

I'm on the right way.

And finally, a song which is a great prayer for the year ahead from the worshippers of Kings Cross Church in London, Kingdom Come - listen here 

Be kind to yourself

How strange!
Here I am again at 1.15am! Maybe this is my writing time.

It's just over two weeks since my mum went into hospital and just over one since she moved to heaven. It's a strange time, these days between a bereavement and a funeral. We have been busy bees between us, Dad, sis and I, sorting out the formalities, the necessary administrative deeds and deciding on what things need to be gone through and cleared away. There is a LOT to do and a lot of sensitivity to take on in the doing of it. Sometimes, you only find out you need this sensitivity AFTER you have done the deed that shouldn't have been done! In such cases, it's good to have learned to say sorry, to forgive and to keep moving forward...making a mental note to think next time!

Within all of this hive of activity, however fit and active you usually are, it is amazing how tiredness, weariness and even exhaustion can hit you at any point in a day. It can turn an ordinary encounter into an ordeal. An impulse birthed in a train of thought has to be wrestled into submission to avoid carrying it out and landing you in prison. 

It was Steve Wiens who said this about parenthood but, in grief I identified completely with it in the face of an insensitive remark....

'I usually smile and give some sort of guffaw, but inside, I secretly want to hold those people under water. Just for a minute or so. Just until they panic a little.'

But, I can thankfully say that I have enough fingers to count on a two-fingered hand, the number of times someone has opened their mouth in the last two weeks to let 'stupid' out.

Fortunately, the events of the last days have not been as traumatic an experience as some folk have and that surely helps. What I have learned, however, is that in this period of time, I still have to be kind to myself. I have to treat myself as I would treat someone else in my position. Sit myself down. Put my feet up and veg out in front of the TV, drawing a big black line at Jeremy Kyle though! Let someone else shop and cook dinner or just go to my bed at random times and close my eyes; drink coffee with evaporated milk and real sugar, not sweetener, and not worry about calorie content - not today anyway; put on a bit of chilling music, focus on a heavenly Dad that loves me and let Him do that just because. 

He doesn't want me to 'do'. He just wants me to 'be'. In my body, heart and spirit, I can know the truth of Psalm 55:22 - 'Pile your troubles on God's shoulders - He'll carry your load; He'll help you out' (The Message)

It's OK not to be competent; not to be Superwoman. When others offer help, take it - even if you don't think you need it. People like to be needed. It's OK not to (brace yourselves for this...) answer the phone! It's OK to ask someone to cover your duty at church - or, as I did, to totally forget. Perfection is not the target. Grief and its effects are not forever. 

In creating us, God shows us that we need one another. Bereavement is a way of discovering that from every angle; 'need' in all its fullness. From 'feeling' to 'dealing' - feeling one's own sadness or that of others; dealing with oneself or with others, the competent or the well-meaning - it's all a learning curve. Whatever the situation, be kind.

In the meantime, I find there is no need to write a book entitled, 

'Since Strangling Isn't An Option'.

Someone has beaten me to it!

Destination: Home

( With reference to my previous post ...and you might like to play this as some point )

Yesterday afternoon, the week's lack of sleep caught up. I woke in a strange room in a strange little bed. I tried to focus my eyes and remember where I was, dragging memory from the back of my head. I turned and saw the back of my sister and after a few more moments of struggle I said, 'Jane. I know I am supposed to be here but I can't think what this is. Where are we?'

She laughed. 'We're in the hospital with mum.'

Then I remembered.

For the past nine days, Dad Jane and myself, occasionally accompanied by other family members, had been in and out - mainly in - of the hospital, keeping watch by mum's bed. For the last four nights, it had been a bit of a roller coaster in that each night held a period of time when the room went quiet as her breathing changed and we awaited her last moments on earth. Then she would somehow make it through. Dad joked once that it was because the worship songs and hymns we would sing or play around her strengthened her. Whatever it was, she made it through to the next day. My film buff daughter, Katie, once announced that 'Nanny has more endings than The Lord of the Rings!' and we all laughed those healing laughs you get occasionally in times of grief.

I swung my legs off the fold-up bed I had woken on. Just then, an agency nurse entered the room and asked us, 'I know your mum is nil by mouth but could you please fill in a menu card for the room?' I replied that we hadn't had to fill one in for days now but she said that she had been asked to leave it. Hmmm! OK! Then, I had one of those 'moments of revelation' within the indignation and said to my sister that perhaps this was something prophetic and maybe it was God giving us the heads-up that someone else would need this room tomorrow. So I filled in the card with the choices of meal that I thought mum would have picked.
As I rose and walked round the bed, Jane was doing something beautifying to mum and immediately I thought, a bit crossly 'What are you doing that for? Mum is dying!' but then I remembered that Jane had commented previously, when I questioned something she'd done, that we all have to deal with things in our own way. So I let her carry on. I imagined what Mum would be thinking and I smiled.

It had been a very difficult few days to now with Mum being so ill and yet so precious too. Dad had commented that it was sad that things had gone on so long and yet, Jane and I reminded him, we had such special times together as family; conversations of such intimacy and honesty we would never have experienced; support and love of one another; being able to look after Mum - to stroke her hands, arms and face which she would NEVER have let us do had she been well. For whatever reason, she didn't do touchy-feely stuff; spending time in each other's company and finding strength in all these things that we could never have imagined.

Photo by Katie

Around her bed some nights, we would pray over her; each of us bowing over her to give our permission for her to leave us - even Dad - though when she chose to continue her grip on life, we remembered her oft' repeated phrase, 'I will do it when I am ready!! We would strike up in holy songs, with Jane and I reviving a practice of our childhood in our shared bedroom, of singing all the catholic hymns we remembered from our schooldays when we went to church 2 or 3 times a week. Mum continued to look peaceful and calm, with only brief distress showing in the times of being turned or changed in her bed. We shared some of our funny stories about our times with her which again broke out in laughter and hilarity. One of my favourites was from our eldest daughter, Elizabeth who was found by Nanny one day in a cupboard playing 'Barbies' with Mum's statues of the Virgin Mary! I am sure that caused a chuckle around the Throne Room though I don't know if Mum was particularly impressed. I bet she went away with a secret smile though.

There were tense times too. It is bound to happen in the absence of good sleep, amidst worry over a loved one, and spending so much time together. But, determined that Mum's bedside was not to be a place of anger or tension, we learned how to be honest, make allowances for one another, deal with our feelings and say what's on our mind with the commitment to seek to understand and come out stronger together at the end. Offense makes us separate ourselves from one another. To recognise when we are offended and choose not to stay offended, means that love can grow.

When the final hour came, we were all there. My younger sister had arrived. My Dad turned up with one of my daughters. I was so glad to see him since by now, Mum had been looking very up and down. With her now-habit of seeing the day out, we had suggested to Dad earlier that he could take the daytime off with his old practice of attending a local football game by way of a relief of tension and to enjoy the glorious sunshine and fresh air of the day. He had been an absolute pillar of strength, grace and love throughout all of this time and was looking SO tired when he had left yet another all night vigil at 6am that morning. God is good because Dad said later that he was on his way when he felt he should not go to the match and come back instead. At his arrival, we sat around the bed and wittered on cheerily about stuff until it was obvious that Mum was really ready to leave.

The next ten minutes were free-flowing with tears, hugs and hand-holding and when her spirit had gone and her heart had drummed its final beat, we sat awhile. I thought, in one of those mega-short moments during which you somehow have time to think a million things, of such a lot that the last weeks had held and of memories from healthy times, dipping into what the future might hold for my lovely Dad, until I returned to the present.
I leaned over to brush Mum's hair a final time, suddenly mindful of another childhood memory of how, every time she left for her night shift at the hospital where she had worked, she used to ask me to check that the back of her hair looked right and was combed in place. I found myself thinking gladly about Jane's prissying-up of Mum earlier. Mum was always one to tell us to wear clean knickers before we went out in case we were ever taken to hospital from an accident. We tended to one or two final 'straightenings' for our lovely Mum. Then it was done. Just in this moment, as far as she could in the circumstances, she looked the Biz here on earth.
She is, by now, in her new body and wondering why she didn't do this earlier as she reunites with her own Mum and enjoys the new home that Jesus has been two thousand years in the preparing.

I found this lovely sentiment...

I suspect that those stars twinkling there for Mum will more likely be SOS signals from St Peter, asking us,
'Actually, how would you feel about taking her back?'

Today, the person who now occupies her old hospital room will have munched through two meals Mum would have enjoyed on earth.

To the angel on kitchen duty in the heavenlies, my Mum's menu choice for today is the one that begins with '20 Silk Cut!

I love you, Mum xx

ADDENDUM: I would also like to pay tribute to two other amazing men - my Hubby, Nod and brother-in-law, Paul who were totally giving in their running to and fro between home and hospital, bringing in daily top-ups of food and drink and allowing Jane and I space and absence from our beds. We love you guys too. What gifts you are.

Life goes on...and on!

It's 1.15am.

I have come downstairs for a cup of warm milk.

The telly is flicked on and there is a programme on about Spitfire planes. An elderly lady recounts with joy how wonderful it was to be working on Spitfire planes in the war and how much she loved her job. She is a sweet little thing with a bit of chinny hair, a face-brightening smile and an unassuming way about her. You would pass her in the street without a second thought to the exciting life she knows herself to have led.

Other TV channels announce that the Sex Inspectors want to talk about bedroom blues; QVC sells us a showcase of beauty; Andrew Marr educates us about the History of the World and Road Wars continue on the streets of Britain.

Facebook has wedding and baby joys amidst a whole host of either inane or meaningful other postings. Life goes on. 

Mostly.

Meanwhile, a few minutes up the road, my feisty, 82 year old mum clings to life in a hospital bed, defying the odds - again! and is watched over by my dad - her husband of 57 years. With me today, he has wondered - again - whether this is the last call. Then she rallies - again - before slipping back into a deep sleep with the occasional twitch of a limb, just to let you know for sure that she is not done fighting. It may or may not end soon. There is no point guessing. Each evening's uncertainties, however, have given me reason during the night hours, to think over life together, smile about so much, with memories recalled and the strange joys to be found in them, despite tragedy or hardship.

This isn't meant to be a melancholy or self-pitying post but a simple recognition that everywhere in the world for many people, life goes on as it always does whilst others are in life situations of hardship, grief or turmoil that have the potential to flip a world upside down.

Mom 'n me up the Lickeys. Love you, Mom

The last 6 weeks or so have held the particular privilege of being able and near enough to give extra help in the care of my mum, aided when she can at some visits by my 'able, gutsy and get-things-moving' middle sis, though Dad has done the lion's share,  and borne the burden of our funny old bird creeping slowly deeper into the loss of memory and awareness, brought about by vascular dementia. My B&B-running younger sis has supported with phonecalls and dashed from her post when bookings allow. (I would NOT do that job)
Having nursed sufferers of dementia before, myself, it was always a beautiful duty to care for them. As nursing staff, we had hardly ever known our residents in their 'previous' life and took them as we found them but always acknowledging that often, it was great turmoil to the family, who had grown and known years and years of 'normality' with their vibrant, alert family members, only to see them now reduced to a comparatively empty shell with varying degrees still, of passion for life. Within these diminishing lives, they found their own way of doing life...from oblivious contentment to stick-waving threats and language that, out on the street, could get you arrested in the presence of a policeman! My kids laugh gleefully even now in recalling my encounter with a certain gent who took to calling me 'the blonde b*****d' and trying to whack me with his walking stick!

Dementia, cancer, any sort of sickness is an outrage. Sickness robs. Sickness threatens. Sickness cripples. Sickness is not how life was meant to be. 

This afternoon, as I sat watching the ebb and flow of life in the body of my mum, sad as it was in many ways, there was hope right there. I prayed for her out loud so she could hear me, as I have done often in past years. I know God loves her. I know she trusted Him and spoke to Him about us all every night. I know Jesus died for her to bring her eternal life after death, whenever that comes. He did the same for me; for every single person whose heart beats. 

Sickness is sad. Death is a bugger. Death can be devastating. BUT death has no dominion over us because Jesus died so that we can have the assurance of glorious eternal life. Our part in that is to give our lives to God and live them as Jesus showed us they could be lived. Abundance of life in this world. Hope for the future. Assurance of heaven - eternity with God, not the eternal fire.

On 5th December 1982, someone showed me the Bridge Illustration following a bible study I had reluctantly attended and asked me where I stood on the Bridge. I said I probably was on the left hand arm of the cross at that time and they challenged me with the question, 'What is stopping you praying the prayer and crossing right over?'

To be honest, I didn't have a good reason to say anything other than, 'Nothing.'

'So,' they said, 'Pray the prayer!'

So I did. I prayed that prayer because I was too chicken not to, though I was a bit miffed at feeling pushed into a corner.

On my way home that night, I railed a bit at God.

'Look!' I moaned, 'I don't want to do all that going to church, praying and reading the bible stuff so if this is going to mean anything, You will have to show me.'

Long story short, it was THE best and most life-changing decision of my life. Besides having the very presence and power of my Heavenly Father in my life and a beautiful new relationship with Him, I have the ultimate knowledge of life after death with Him. Beauty!

Try it yourself if you haven't already. Please. You have nothing to lose but everything to gain.

We have always joked that Mum will flippin' well outlive us all despite several dicings with death, and smoking for 70 years. Or maybe because God just isn't ready for the hassle of having her up there with Him! But for me, any sadness at finally losing her when Father calls her from this earth, will be lightened by the knowledge that I WILL see her again. And she will be well. Forever.

As a bonus, do watch this - 

https://www.facebook.com/humanthemovie/videos/468301476675049/?pnref=story

Off to David's Tent

This time tomorrow, I will be under a massive canvas, enjoying the start of seventy two hours non-stop worship in David's Tent. As last year, I plan to stay up for the whole time, enjoying being part of the crowd pouring out a heart of worship to Almighty God. 

I did actually catch a couple of hours snooze in the car and a couple more on someone's floor last year but the whole rest of the time, I had a ball with God. Despite the crowds, it sometimes felt like just Him and me.

I didn't go around with anyone on purpose. I  just wanted to experience that time in the presence of God amongst His people. I think part of that was allowing myself to be the introvert that I am but I felt a great freedom just to 'be' with God. I soaked (just lay/stood/sat there enjoying the music and the presence of God); I prayed; I enjoyed that occasional conversation; sang my heart out and, a couple of times, danced like a madwoman in a way that I never would have before that point; and I enjoyed the sky, I didn't care what I looked like or smelled like - though I hope the latter was OK! I took perfume and babywipes are wonderful. I had practised putting on a bit of makeup without a mirror, keeping my hair fairly reasonable and had clothes that don't crease badly. I just didn't want to care unnecessarily about those things and this year, I don't feel that I am bothered at all!

Last year I also fasted for the first couple of days to pray and be more unhindered, then THOROUGHLY enjoyed a veggie and humous-filled pitta on the last day, savouring every bite, chew and sensation in my mouth...utterly thankful for it! I really knew and appreciated the meaning of the phrase, 'Party in my mouth.'

So, I am off to pack and repeat the process - thought there will be a big pile of friends there as well that I just didn't know last year. I will get love and hugs a-plenty, I am sure. But the best thing, the very best, will be welling up and over-spilling with worship, in song, silence and all the things of daily life there, from a heart of love for and gladness to be with the Lord and Creator of the Universe; my heavenly Dad. I may even bust a few new moves in celebration!

Who knows?

Eric Johnson once said  that we shouldn't think of our christian walk as being in periods of transition because, as God's children, we are ALWAYS to expect to be in transition. 

2 Corinthians 3:18 (here in the Amplified Version) confirms it.

'And we all...are constantly being transfigured into His very own image in ever-increasing splendour and from one degree of glory to another, which comes from the Lord' (italics mine)

Spiritually, I am constantly changing; just as I do physically. We all do.

This cute picture of an endearing but slightly grimy-looking Diana Spencer as a toddler, gives no hint of the aristocratic family into which she was born nor of the exquisitely beautiful Diana, Princess of Wales, that she was to become some 18 years later and whose life, despite its difficult times, changed others' lives and made better days for so many.

This change didn't happen overnight but little by little, through natural processes and through various choices and circumstances.

Our transformation throughout life may be subtle but if we are purposeful about it, it will happen inevitably. That word, 'transfigured' communicates the sense of change that happened when Jesus was transfigured after His resurrection - SUCH a change that it lit up all around Him. He glowed. 

Sometimes we may not feel like we are changing. Indeed our circumstances may be so difficult or frankly, mind-numbingly tedious at times as to make us wonder what the point of our just-lived day might actually have been. We all have days when it is enough to be grateful we have  from survived from one end of the day to the other (At least, I hope I am not the only one!) but in our journey of following Jesus, forwards is always the way to face, aim and walk!

I watched this video a while back and am reminded of it again now. Take a moment to watch it before you read on.

Good wasn't it?

I was so struck by the way that the artist paints invisibly with the water and then by the simple addition of ink, a picture is formed and all the abstract motion of the colourless brush make sense. Paper comes to life!

It put me in mind of our own recent 'hard' times and how things have happened that seem absolutely purposeless; a waste of time and my life and very frustrating in their apparent lack of direction. But I realised that some of these periods of life are simply God 'painting with water'. He is laying foundations and preparing me to receive the 'ink' of His portrait for my life. So during those times, I can be confident they are not redundant or unprofitable. Indeed, if I do nothing else, I can learn the lessons that David did whilst he was fleeing the murderous King Saul in the desert and 'strengthen myself in the Lord'. That alone will be a great personal benefit. 

I even tried my own ink and water drip - not a great work of art but not bad for a first attempt

(I think the picture will enlarge if you click on it and you may see how, in places, the ink has separated into its component colours to make things even more interesting! God is SO creative.)

But at the same time as I wait to see God's plan pan out, I can look through the misty veil of uncertainty with an expectant heart, knowing that my God, my Father, never sleeps nor forgets me.

I cannot count the number of times a day His thoughts turn to me 

He hasn't loved, grown and gifted me just to leave me languishing without purpose throughout life. So, if this day seems hardly to have had a point, I choose to believe that things have moved on part of a degree; I can choose to take an action that makes that evident; I can even just choose to sink onto my bed and let the love of my Daddy wash over me. Whichever it is, it brings a smile to His face because He knows the way ahead. I can also know that there will definitely be days when I shine for Him, sometimes even when I don't feel shiney but I am making the right choices and His glory shines through me...after all, we are not called to 'Arise and reflect' but to 'Arise and shine'!

I think the idea is supported in this exciting statement from Alan Scott of Causeway Coast Vineyard:
'Believers aren't called to live up to a STANDARD. We are called to live out a STORY. Instead of PERFORMING for God, we get to CREATE with God.'
I love it!

So! If all I or you do today is to stand in front of a mirror and say, confidently, just because it is true... 

'I am constantly being transfigured into His very own image in ever-increasing splendour and from one degree of glory to another, which comes from the Lord',

...we will be declaring the release of that truth over myself and partnering with my Dad to change His world through mine.

And finally, as an encouragement...