Be kind to yourself

How strange!
Here I am again at 1.15am! Maybe this is my writing time.

It's just over two weeks since my mum went into hospital and just over one since she moved to heaven. It's a strange time, these days between a bereavement and a funeral. We have been busy bees between us, Dad, sis and I, sorting out the formalities, the necessary administrative deeds and deciding on what things need to be gone through and cleared away. There is a LOT to do and a lot of sensitivity to take on in the doing of it. Sometimes, you only find out you need this sensitivity AFTER you have done the deed that shouldn't have been done! In such cases, it's good to have learned to say sorry, to forgive and to keep moving forward...making a mental note to think next time!

Within all of this hive of activity, however fit and active you usually are, it is amazing how tiredness, weariness and even exhaustion can hit you at any point in a day. It can turn an ordinary encounter into an ordeal. An impulse birthed in a train of thought has to be wrestled into submission to avoid carrying it out and landing you in prison. 

It was Steve Wiens who said this about parenthood but, in grief I identified completely with it in the face of an insensitive remark....

'I usually smile and give some sort of guffaw, but inside, I secretly want to hold those people under water. Just for a minute or so. Just until they panic a little.'

But, I can thankfully say that I have enough fingers to count on a two-fingered hand, the number of times someone has opened their mouth in the last two weeks to let 'stupid' out.

Fortunately, the events of the last days have not been as traumatic an experience as some folk have and that surely helps. What I have learned, however, is that in this period of time, I still have to be kind to myself. I have to treat myself as I would treat someone else in my position. Sit myself down. Put my feet up and veg out in front of the TV, drawing a big black line at Jeremy Kyle though! Let someone else shop and cook dinner or just go to my bed at random times and close my eyes; drink coffee with evaporated milk and real sugar, not sweetener, and not worry about calorie content - not today anyway; put on a bit of chilling music, focus on a heavenly Dad that loves me and let Him do that just because. 

He doesn't want me to 'do'. He just wants me to 'be'. In my body, heart and spirit, I can know the truth of Psalm 55:22 - 'Pile your troubles on God's shoulders - He'll carry your load; He'll help you out' (The Message)

It's OK not to be competent; not to be Superwoman. When others offer help, take it - even if you don't think you need it. People like to be needed. It's OK not to (brace yourselves for this...) answer the phone! It's OK to ask someone to cover your duty at church - or, as I did, to totally forget. Perfection is not the target. Grief and its effects are not forever. 

In creating us, God shows us that we need one another. Bereavement is a way of discovering that from every angle; 'need' in all its fullness. From 'feeling' to 'dealing' - feeling one's own sadness or that of others; dealing with oneself or with others, the competent or the well-meaning - it's all a learning curve. Whatever the situation, be kind.

In the meantime, I find there is no need to write a book entitled, 

'Since Strangling Isn't An Option'.

Someone has beaten me to it!