Not a forever thing

Yet again, I am still up in the night!
Legend says, when you can't sleep at night, it's because you are awake in someone else's dream!
WHO IS IT!? STOP IT!

It probably makes some difference that I am not in my own bed - I am visiting one of my Sweeties with the aim of wielding a blowtorch, scraper and maybe a paintbrush tomorrow - if I am in any fit state!!

Actually, I do enjoy being awake at night when all the house and world outside is quiet and I only have my own company. I enjoy the gentle echo of my moving around when I go to the kitchen for a drink of milk; when I turn a page in the book I am reading or when my knitting needles click purposefully in the otherwise stark silence. I enjoy the space to think...usually.

But it's been a funny few months and in those months, various things have happened to friends, family or myself to make me sad or sometimes anxious. I don't like it. It's unfamiliar to me to feel so hounded by thoughts and feelings that I can't shake off. I have found myself being extra tearful or moved unexpectedly by the simplest of things, although I have always cried easily for no reason, listening to stirring music or watching certain adverts on TV!

In the past, I have shaken off such feelings quite easily and re-found my joy very genuinely. In fact, I was very encouraged recently finding this quote from Henri Nouwen...

and it is a biblical thing to CHOOSE to be joyful. 

But tonight, I lay thinking of all the things that were bothering me and in the end, decided to jot them down. I always tell the family when they are worried or feeling overwhelmed by stuff, life or whatever, 'Write it down. It will seem less intimidating when you see it in black and white and you will realise it's not as bad as you think.'

SO I took my own advice.

Looking at the list gave me mixed feelings. Some things didn't matter - not for now anyway...like the wildness of the overgrown garden. Some things are out of my control and nothing I can do will change them...like acts of terrorism. Some things are within my capacity to change but it will take time...like a relationship or the state of one of the rooms! Others leave me with the sole option to pray as I have no ability or authority to intervene.

It was this realisation that took me to look up my Bible reading plan

One of today's readings was from Psalm 3:3-6, written by King David

In the notes, Nicky Gumbel points out that David did not have an easy life but in spite of his distressing situation, God lifted up David's head and that 'God does not want you to be downcast - constantly looking at regrets behind you, the problems around you and the sin within you. Rather He wants you to lift up your head and see the help above you - to walk with your head held high and your eyes fixed on Him.'

I had only read, this morning another encouraging word, which now loomed brightly in my mind

Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail; they are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion therefore I will wait for Him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him. It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord
Lamentations 3:22-26

I can put all earthly concerns in perspective by keeping my eyes on God and seeing Him as the Almighty, loving Daddy that He is.  Instead of telling God how big my woes are, tell my woes how big my God is! 

I will still struggle with life from time to time, but it's not a forever thing.

Waiting on God, letting Him be my shield and source of peace, reassures me of the depth of His love for me. As I walk in relationship with Him, I can know His pleasure in me. Knowing that pleasure, appreciating that love and believing in the truth of His Word doesn't make all the problems and anxieties go away but I know I am not alone. 

And I am doing 'Not Alone' with the One who has it all in His hands and for whom nothing is impossible.